Welcome to Ask April, a no-nonsense advice column focusing on what it is you can do to correct things that need correcting. While we all know much in life is out of our control, and sometimes, our reaction is all we CAN control- we really do have a lot of personal power, thankfully. Our will is just as important as the wills of others around us, and while we need to be considerate, we also need to make sure others are equally considerate of us. It is my hope that when you write in to me, asking advice, that I can help you make a good decision that somehow improves whatever situation you’ve found yourself in. As with anything I share, I recommend people don’t automatically take my word for anything, but include my advice in with the rest of the things that help them make a decision. I wish you well. Read on.
How much do you love it when somebody posts their private business on social media, asking for opinions, and then they lose their shit when somebody, or a group of people tell them they are wrong?
Case in point- on a crochet page- of ALL places, all hell broke loose when a woman decided to whine her daughter had 1) Banned her from the wedding, and did not include her in any wedding related activity at all – which did not have a thing to do with the crochet page. 2) The daughter refused to wear the “beautiful” item the mother took a LOT of time to make, even called it tacky, 3) The mom did not understand why somebody would not absolutely love such a thing, and 4) What did people think of all this?
The first thing that came to mind is there is obviously a reason the attention seeking mom is not welcomed. The minute I see somebody begging for strangers to be on their side against a family member, I sense not only drama, but also that this person will continue to damage relationships, and blame everybody else to avoid taking responsibility.
The next thing that came to mind is it is not the mother’s decision what a bride wears to get married in. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about this. The bride is a grown assed woman, and she can dress her own ass, and all the rest of her as well. It is her right, and it’s not up for debate.
Next, like many on the thread, I personally liked what the mother had made. I also realize not all of us like all the same things. A gift is supposed to be for the benefit of the person receiving it, not the giver. Many giving a gift do not understand this at all. I also realize that not everybody can afford a gift off a wedding registry, but if you are going to give a gift, make it something the person likes, even if it is not something YOU like.
Being somebody who handmakes a lot of things, I am very careful about who I make gifts for. Many would prefer lunch out or a gift card to a handmade item. This is because these days, handmade looks too old fashioned for a lot of people. There is plenty of room in my homespun house for my homespun things, and I don’t feel the need to deposit projects at the homes of people who do not like what I make. It shocks me not everybody feels the same way.
Furthermore, the mother jumped on anybody who told her she was not right. She told people their comments were unwelcome, and to basically shut up. She said nobody had the right to judge her, or disagree with her in any way. She demanded she be told she was right, and whoever did not was attacked.
This was further evidence to me the mother is to blame for her daughter’s estrangement from her. Run daughter, run.
I wound up blocking the woman so I would not have to read any more of her garbage, and could still enjoy the otherwise, fantastic crochet page. She is likely still off somewhere, bitching about her daughter, and her daughter is likely seeing her mom do it, and saying to herself, “THIS is why I do not talk to her.”
I have no idea who these people are, but their private, personal lives were thrown in front of me, and thousands of others on a page dedicated to our art, not drama.
I was one of almost 500 people who commented. I wonder if the mom has driven everybody else away, and that is why she begs for attention from strangers on the Internet? I wonder if she is going to crash the wedding, and get hauled out by police? I also wonder why somebody would put so many hours into producing something they KNOW somebody dislikes instead of making it for themselves? A mother who is unaware of her daughter’s taste? Really? More than that, I pray for the daughter that her marriage is a happy one, and her new life is so much better than what appears to have been an unhappy childhood at the mercy of a hot mess.
I pray the daughter gets away from her mom for good of she needs to. I’m not one who weeps, and prays for people to seek reconciliation with unbearable relatives. I am one who roots for the burning of bridges if it means saving sanity, or lives.
It is not our fault who fucked who, sans contraception, and did not get an abortion, resulting in our birth. We do not owe them filial piety for the rest of our lives. In this day and age, it is easier to opt out of parenthood, and adoption is always an option. We do not OWE our parents room in our lives if they are hell to have a relationship with.
If you don’t want opinions, don’t ask for them. People are not bound by some cosmic law to agree with you.
If you don’t want to feel judged, don’t tell people your personal business. We have our own personal lives as well, and most of us really don’t give a shit about other people’s business.
If you err, and ask opinions or advice, do not attack people who say things that are painful for you to hear. Think about what is being said. Consider everything. None of us is perfect, and we are all on a journey of learning. It’s okay to be wrong sometimes. What matters is how we listen, learn, and change to be better versions of ourselves.
While major things like weddings can bring out some contention, they are not the cause, but only avenues the underlying issues use to show themselves.
It is not worth it to “be right” even when you are not, and jeopardize your relationships. There is no reason to drag strangers into the middle of it unless you want to do relationship counseling.
People also sometimes forget that the Internet is forever. You can delete things you post, but people will have time to take screen shots, and they can haunt you for the rest of your life.
None of these things is worth the consequences.