Ask April- Aging

Welcome to Ask April, a no-nonsense advice column focusing on what it is you can do to correct things that need correcting.  While we all know much in life is out of our control, and sometimes, our reaction is all we CAN control- we really do have a lot of personal power, thankfully. Our will is just as important as the wills of others around us, and while we need to be considerate, we also need to make sure others are equally considerate of us. It is my hope that when you write in to me, asking advice,  that I can help you make a good decision that somehow improves whatever situation you’ve found yourself in. As with anything I share, I recommend people don’t automatically take my word for anything, but include my advice in with the rest of the things that help them make a decision. I wish you well. Read on.


Dear Readers,

I Cannot sleep.

I Teased my husband, Ted today because he is 52. I informed him that in three short years, we could move into some nice 55 and over condo community. It annoyed the fuck out of him, and he grumbled he is not moving into a place full of a bunch of busybodies. He said his granny was 99 when she moved into a retirement community, and he plans to at LEAST be that age when, and IF he ever does likewise.

Unfortunately, when you cannot sleep, if you are a crazy person like myself, you start to overthink things.

The thought we almost qualify for that depresses me. We will be house hunting soon. Our home we wind up buying will be our first home purchase together as a couple. I would love it if we were 28 and 39, and buying into a family neighborhood, discussing how many bedrooms to have for “when we have children.”

Instead, I am showing signs of pre-menopause, and we can’t have kids.

I had a serious health scare that began three years ago, and still affects me to this day. We are aware I may NEVER be the way I was before. Ever.

I peacefully accepted my grey hair years ago.

Even my kitten we got a couple of months ago is growing so fast, we have to get her fixed. My youngest baby is an adult!

I bake, and cook from scratch, and crochet things like afghans, doilies, and dishcloths.

I have antiques.

Things from my childhood are antiques!

The music I listened to when I was younger is now referred to as “classic rock.”

I think the music these kids today listen to sucks.

I say things like “Kids today…”.

I think the stylish clothes look stupid, and that fashion is bullshit.

I don’t chew gum anymore because my jaw gets tired.

I don’t use artificial sweetener because it gives me headaches.

I have to watch my sodium and caffeine or my heart rate spikes.

I have panic attacks.

I accepted the fact that my boobs look like balloons with the air let out, and I go out in public with no bra sometimes. They slump over on my belly because they fell down, and they can’t get up.

The sun, and car headlights at night are sometimes too bright. But night time is just too dark other times!

Loud sounds give me headaches.

I have back problems.

I tire easily.

If I had become a parent in my early 20’s I might be a grandparent by now.

I have chipped two teeth.

I chill or overheat easily.
I have asthma.

I am so fat, I bounce up and down when I laugh. And. I. Don’t. Care. REPEAT. I. Don’t. Care.

Our favorite restaurant is the MCL Cafeteria- code name The Medicare Lounge. I swear to the gods, we are regulars!

And we could almost move into a 55 and over community!


I feel so old!!!!!

If you are reading this, nodding because you know how all of this feels, you are not alone. There are many of us, cricking around, sore in the morning, raising our arthritic fists in solidarity with you.

Try not to pull out the last little bit of hair you’ve got left because you are not young anymore.

Look on the bright side.

You made it this far!

You also have a ways to go!

You lived when the music was good, and before social media. None of the stupid shit you did in your youth is on public record!

You can afford a good bottle of wine, and you have sampled enough different kinds to know which cheaper versions are just as good!

You don’t have to use the dog anymore as an excuse to leave early when you want to get the hell out of someplace. You’re older and people know you come and go as you damned well please!

You actually ENJOY drinking enough water and eating right!

You say things like “I need to take my pills.”

People ask you for advice, and they appreciate your guidance, and they follow it!

OH DEAR!!!!!!!

Tonight, I am reminded that aging absolutely sucks sometimes. I am also reminded that in other ways, it does NOT suck one bit.

And I better get some sleep, or else, I won’t be able to concentrate to learn new crochet dishcloth patterns tomorrow!


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