I am sorry, but this isn’t going to be the best submission. You see I neglected to copy the intro I always use.
I can’t today.
This submission is late, and I can’t promise if I wait a day or two or ten longer, that I will write much better.
Somebody dear to me passed on this week.
I could feel in my gut something was going to happen this Wednesday. I told my husband so, and he replied with an overly optimistic “Well, I think something GOOD is going to happen!”
Jennifer died Wednesday. There is nothing good about that.
Of course, I’ve been crying in bursts of absolute hysteria for two days.
Tomorrow, I have a social engagement that has been in the works for about three years, and it’s got to happen no matter what.
I’ll do my makeup nicely, and pull through.
Jennifer will be part of the conversation, because others attending knew her as well.
I can’t mourn normally, and I don’t even know if I am allowed at the visitation.
This is because Jennifer and I had a best friends divorce over two years ago. Before that, she told me her family did not approve of her associating with me because of my religion.
I can’t be supportive of the family, although I would like to be, because they never wanted me around.
I don’t know if Jennifer would want me to attend due to our falling out.
To be honest, I have no right to feel bad about not being welcome at a memorial. That’s not even something to feel bad about. She had a young daughter, and the kid is the number one priority no matter what- not blubbering adults who had not even been in the picture for a couple of years!
What feels bad is the fact this woman was only 34 years old and had defied death twice in the time I knew her.
Once, she was injured badly because she drank and drove. She spent time in a rehab clinic, learning to walk again. She walked normally for the rest of her short life, and with much pain, but she walked anyways. She gave up drinking cold turkey, and drove safely all over Central Ohio.
Then, a few years later, she suffered a heart attack at age 30. She recovered so miraculously from it, the doctors were astonished. When we went to visit her at the hospital, she already had her spunk back and was energetic enough to fuss at us.
After that came another car accident when she rear ended another car, and bashed her face in so badly she wound up with a big fat scar on her face. She was still pretty, though.
It seemed like Jennifer was invincible, and would live forever.
After our best friends divorce, I thought about her constantly. But it was our second best friends divorce, you see.
She sent me an annoyed e-mail some months after the final falling out, and I responded, asking her to come talk it out.
She never did, and I never reached to ask again. Maybe she was as afraid of the possibility of a third best friends divorce as I was.
Now she is gone.
I wonder if she was sick to death of me or if she missed me as much as I always missed her?
I will never know.
All I know is I am a basketcase. Not because we did not make up, and not because we could not be together despite the fact we loved each other dearly.
I am a basket case because this seemingly immortal woman who was incredibly strong, capable, and hysterically funny is no longer walking this earth, raising forty million kinds of hell, and having one hell of a good time doing do.
It’s not very spiritual of me to say so- but it’s not fucking fair.
Spiritual people are supposed to say “It was her time” and “She is with god/ess/the ancestors. etc. now” and ” She began the next part of her journey. May she walk with beauty”
But I can’t say any of that right now.
I want to know why life is so goddamned unfair that somebody who fought so hard to live and had so much to offer was taken at age 34, and there are absolutely atrocious sons of bitches walking this earth, wreaking havoc left and right.
Why her? Why not them?
I don’t have any answers, and I am not at peace with her passing.
She overcame so many things I will not list here, only to cross the veil to the Otherworld at age thirty fucking four.
I want to wake up and have all this have just been a dream, and find her beating down my front door so she could cuss me out for something or another. I would keep my own foul mouth closed and take it. I would listen to every word without arguing back. I would let her win. I would let her be right.
There are some people who just eat up oxygen and then decay into the soil, leaving the world no better off for having been in it. Not Jennifer. In her own, special way, she left everyplace she walked changed, every life she touched, better.
I suppose it is fair to say she was so special, and did so much so well, that maybe she used up all her goodness, and that is why she passed so early. She had to go back and recharge all that before coming back for more adventures.
I hope when she comes back, she gets all the things she worked for that she couldn’t have in this life. She wanted to be thin. I hope she comes back thin. And has many many lovers, and a true love who makes all her romantic dreams come true. I hope she comes back rich so she won’t have to worry about money ever again. I hope she comes back in perfect health, and with no issues whatsoever. I hope for everything for her on the other side, and on this side when she returns.
I hope she still raises a lot of hell, though, and I hope that biting, rollicking sense of humor comes back with her as well.
This isn’t much of a tidbit of observation, and this submission isn’t wise. It’s a mess, because that’s what I am right now.
But let me tell all of you reading this that there is only one thing in this fucked up world that will make getting up out of bed in the morning worth it: the people you love. Love them, no matter what happens in your relationships. Love them still, even if someday that relationship is over. Our lives, and who it is we see on a regular basis changes- but one thing that never changes, no matter what , is love.
Love as much as you can, and as many people as you can, otherwise nothing you do is worth anything.
I don’t know if I am making any sense right now, but I can’t think anymore.