Welcome to Ask April, a no-nonsense advice column focusing on what it is you can do to correct things that need correcting. While we all know much in life is out of our control, and sometimes, our reaction is all we CAN control- we really do have a lot of personal power, thankfully. Our will is just as important as the wills of others around us, and while we need to be considerate, we also need to make sure others are equally considerate of us. It is my hope that when you write in to me, asking advice, that I can help you make a good decision that somehow improves whatever situation you’ve found yourself in. As with anything I share, I recommend people don’t automatically take my word for anything, but include my advice in with the rest of the things that help them make a decision. I wish you well. Read on.
Every other week, I answer a call for advice, and every other week, I share my views on something I observed- I call this Observational Wisdom.
Today’s column is Observational Wisdom.
“Meat is for men, bones are for dogs”, a lot of memes on large women’s social networking pages say. Others say things like “If you think I am too large for you, chances are you don’t have the equipment to satisfy me.” We also see things like “Any idiot can drive straight, only an expert can handle curves.” I also see blog posts and videos that go viral with women who are going out of their way to get people to tell them they are pretty because a man they were attracted to called them fat or said he does not date plus sized women.
Being 245 pounds, myself, I notice these. Hell- you would have to be blind not to in this day and age.
Whereas fat jokes used to be PC, now it seems PC to blast people who are not attracted to plus sized women. I do notice, however, a lot of plus sized women, in particular, use this as a way to try and guilt thin, athletic men into dating them. I always wonder if a woman expects her large size to be considered superior- why she does not likewise consider larger men superior as well? Some go so far as to insinuate that any man who prefers women with a thinner body type are shallow, wrong, and not allowed to be attracted to what they are actually attracted to. This is an unacceptable double standard- and is a sign of one thing only- self hatred.
Why seek out acceptance from people by demanding they do so when it comes to what is considered appealing? What kind of a woman cannot accept some man or another does not want her or anybody similar to her? Furthermore, what kind of a woman would publically shame ANYBODY and EVERYBODY on earth who does not find her appealing?
A very insecure one.
One who few would be open to spending time with.
I have NEVER known a confident plus sized woman to be unable to get dates or find a mate. I have seen many bitter, selfish women stay single seemingly forever, though.
What a majority of men I know and have heard from are drawn to is one thing in particular- a woman’s self esteem and the number one thing they express as a turnoff is a woman who behaves desperately.
It is a sure sign a woman feels desperate if she is begging a man or trying to bully a man into wanting her- by shaming his natural desires publically, or even just behind his back to friends- such a woman shows she is not ready for a relationship with anybody- and that she does not have a good relationship with herself.
It’s PC to call women who are thinner than them, “stringy” and “all skin and bones.” They refer to this as “skinny shaming” because it is so widespread these days. Fat shaming and skinny shaming are two sides of the same nasty coin, and while it’s PC to rant, and state this “skinny shaming” is about empowerment for larger people and trying to spread awareness and end fat shaming, I call bullshit. Tearing down people who are different than you is not empowerment for anybody.
Each of us has a body – and that is a good thing. Each body is different in both appearance and size. To put down the appearance of somebody because you feel their body is more accepted by society accomplishes nothing. Do people think they are going to re-establish what is considered a conventional beauty by calling conventional beauties ugly? It establishes only that the person bashing is resentful and could stand to be less bitter.
The fact remains- if one human being is not criticizing you for your body size, another may be bashing your hairstyle, clothing, taste in music, or etc. So why struggle so hard to try and control other’s opinions of you when there are plenty of other people who will accept you just as you are?
Having been large all my life, I’ve gone through periods of self loathing and starvation to try and lose weight- even putting myself in the hospital for severe hallucinations at one point. I’ve assumed life would be easier or I’d have more dates if I was thinner. I’ve assumed I’d be more popular, richer, and happier in general if I was thinner or prettier, but I discovered one thing over the years.
My thinner, prettier girlfriends had no easier time with dating, and they had no more dates than me- because men are individuals. Each individual man has his taste, and what will appeal to one man, might not appeal to the next.
Furthermore, nearly every female I have known had a personal preference in body type, or look when it came to who she dated.
One of my friends only dates tall gingers. Another specifically likes what she calls “country boys” with the pickup trucks, rebel flags, and Cabella’s style clothing. One only dates men with long hair who play in bands. Another- I swear I am not making this up- dates only men who allow her to control their finances! Another will only be with LARPers. I seem to always fall for homebodies who are crowd phobic, and like to experiment with foods- extra points if they have long hair. None of us can explain WHY we tick this way. We just do.
Men are the same as us women. They each are attracted to different things. We all have a right to date who naturally appeals to us.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with ANY of this.
The minute I see or hear somebody complaining because somebody else does not find them attractive…I immediately understand several things about said complainer.
The complainer is communicating:
- “ I do not have any pride or self respect.” Anybody who demands they be allowed to control what other people desire sees themselves through other people’s eyes and needs other’s acceptance in order to accept themselves. People with pride and self respect might be hurt, but they move on because they realized they deserve love and happiness and won’t waste time begging for it where they know it isn’t.
- “I do not respect other people.” If you respect other people, you respect their right to choose. People angry that you have not chosen them do not care about how you feel- just what they WANT….which leads us to
- “I am a selfish person.” It is all about them. They do not understand a relationship has to be mutually beneficial, and they expect other people to waive their own rights to be happy in order to meet the selfish individual’s expectations.
- “I don’t care about you.” An extension of “I am a selfish person” , really. More than just being selfish- even selfish people give to others-the person who does not care about other people’s desires shows they do not care about how other people feel, and simply views people as more objects that feeling individuals who have a right to choose.
- “I cannot accept other people’s desires are different than I want them to be.” This is a controlling, manipulative mindset. One that I cannot understand or really explain. It just is.
- “ I am not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.” Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial. The person who demands somebody desire them who just doesn’t has nothing to offer in a relationship because they are not ready to be considerate of the other person’s feelings and needs.
- “I am insecure and have a poor self image.” More than having no self respect, it is extremely unhealthy to go out of your way trying to get somebody who is not attracted to you to change their mind. Being emotionally secure and thinking highly of yourself means you are strong enough to accept that not everybody will fall for you- and be okay with that. You know that you can stand on your own two feet. You are willing to wait for a relationship with somebody who wants you as opposed to demanding somebody want you who does not.
Nobody ever got anywhere attacking people who they feel are more accepted by other people. Calling another woman less attractive does not make you more attractive. Bashing or attacking a man for choosing a woman who is different than you will not change his mind. It will just make you more bitter, and bitterness is simply not an attractive attribute.
We all deserve love and happiness in our lives. Plenty of tragedies befall everybody. The people we are in relationships with help us through those bad times. The last thing any of us needs is for the relationships we are in to be the thing that make us miserable.
Live and let live. Love and let love.